That Little Brown Bag Presentation

 

For my seven year old son school project, he had to find some objects that represented him and that are important to him. He was given a brown paper bag, drew some cute little pictures on it, and placed his special objects inside. Some of them included a gaming remote as he is addicted to video games, an orange and black ball as his favorite animal is a tiger, a craft because he likes to do crafts with his mom,  a Pokémon card because he likes to collect cards, and a picture of his beloved dog Zoe. He happily and proudly went through all these objects explaining in detail what they meant to him. It was his "practice round" before he had to present to his classmates the next day. And it was so stinking cute!!! After he was done he looked at Daryl and I and said "okay now you can ask me two questions".  

Daryl asked him some question about video games. Naturally. And being the mother I am, was like hey what about that crazy awesome family you got?? Who are they? He answered-- "Well I have a mommy, Sarah. A daddy, Daryl. A baby sister, Brynlie. And I have two brothers in heaven. Brecken and Grayson."

My heart literally skipped a beat. But let me now explain. 

After the loss of our little boy Brecken, we decided as a family that we were going to go ahead and do IVF or in-vitro-fertilization to grow our family. This would allow us to, with the help of science, make sure our future babies were Alpers Free and healthy. In the process we ended with two healthy embryos that we would at some point implant and add to our family. 

Brynlie was our first successful implant. She is a HUGE joy to our family and we are extremely grateful she is free from the syndrome that took her brother. Then this fall we decided to try our last embryo. This little embryo we knew, was a little boy. Unlike our first three, who were ALL surprises to everyone, we openly talked about this little boy, who we had already named Grayson. He was going to complete our family, again knowing he was healthy and Alpers free. 

On August 24th, we went in and had our little boy implanted. Two weeks later on September 2nd we found out that our embryo was unable to successfully implant. As hard as it was to get to this point with a ton of meds, appointments, and uncomfortable shots; it was devastating to learn that our little boy Grayson was with his brother Brecken.

Grayson was always a part of our family, and always will be. That little embryo, although a tiny little speck of cells, was our finale. He was so very important to us. He was the little guy that would make our family complete. And just like that he wasn't. 

Grief is a weird thing. On the same day that Hurricane Ian was heading to the Florida shores ready to create a disaster, my hurricane of emotions came flooding back. All my memories of Brecken and losing him. All my memories of being pregnant. I LOVED being pregnant. I had saved all the boys clothes in bins downstairs and now had wanted everything that was meant for a baby to be taken by Hurricane Grief out of my house. 

We don't know what our future will hold as far as adding to our family. Most of you that know me, I had always talked about having a lot of kids. There are options but with options comes a lot of money. And that is also the hard part. Through all this grief and pain we have a lot of hope. 

For now though, I am holding my two kiddos here on earth with me tight in my arms. I am so extremely grateful I have them to keep the joy and craziness in my life everyday. I truly am. And I will always hold that special spot for Brecken and Grayson in my heart. Easton's two little brothers in heaven. 

One Year.

    It has almost been a year since my last post. I have so many unfinished drafts in my queue just waiting to be published. All those memories and stories I wanted to share and write out, but for some reason didn't finish. This last year and quite frankly the last seven years since I became a mom, have sped by faster than I can blink. They warn you about that, I know....

    I started this blog to tell Brecken's Story. I started it as a way to let you all in to my world as I walked the path of loss, change, and a whole heck of a lot of strength. But my story is not over. Brecken's story is not over. All those unfinished drafts, all those memories and "mommingstrong moments", they are still there. 

    In the future I am hoping to get back to sharing our story. My story, Brecken's story, my families story. My blog has been an incredible source of therapy and calm in some of the most unbearable moments of my life. Those moments have not ended. We still have bad days mixed in with all the incredible days. We still grieve the loss of our sweet boy everyday and want our village to remember and honor him every day too. 

I am hoping that you can continue on my journey with me. My journey of MommingStrong. 

Cause. I'm Back. 

In Three Years.

 

In three years a lot can happen. In three years a toddler can become a full blown mini adult. In three years you can welcome another sweet little bundle into a family. In three years you can gain, and lose, friendships. In three years you can learn a lot about yourself and the people you are around. In three years you can learn how to live through a national pandemic. In three years you can change and grow. 

But in three years you can also miss a ton of milestones. In three year you can miss numerous birthday celebrations and holiday surprises. In three years you can miss a lot of sibling fights and kissed boo boos. In three years you can still feel that empty gapping hole in your heart. In three years the tears still come and you still miss your baby boy more than you did the day he gained his angel wings.   

It doesn't seem real that three years ago I held my baby boy for the last time. It seems unreal to me that someone like Brecken could be take away from us. He was so dang cute. His smile lit up the world. He was so strong. I still wonder why. Why would this happen to me. I still feel guilt, and anger, and think of the what ifs and the should ofs. 

But in three years I have tried my best to remember every bit of what he left us here on earth. He left us his bright smile. He left us indescribable strength. In 16 months he changed the world for the better and I promise I will continue to spread that joy and love. Just like Brecken would want me to. 

Miss you buddy. Love you to Infinity and Bebob. 

Love mommy.

A First Fight

 

Today for the very first time, I had to break up a little fight between my kids. My nine month old was trying to eat grass and sticks and her six year old brother was trying to take the sticks and grass away. It was kind of funny because they were actually getting frustrated at each other. 

And I didn't stop them. For a full minute I sat and watched them. Yep I sat and watched them get more frustrated with each other. I soaked it all in, and I enjoyed it. 

                                                      

I enjoyed watching my six year old have someone to fight with, because I miss the fact that he doesn't have his four year old brother here to really get on his nerves. I enjoyed watching my nine month old give up a little bit of a fight, because I miss being able to see if Brecken would have put up a fight with his other siblings. It should of been the gazillionth fight I broke up. I should be grumpy and frustrated. 

But no, today my kids got into a fight and I enjoyed it. I sat back and watched and finally felt lucky that they were able to get on each others nerves. Like true siblings. Like I did with my brother and sister growing up. Because my sweet (should be four year old) Brecken should be here to do that. 

                                                 

I am not actually looking forward to the gazillionth fight between my children. We will get there someday. But I will always remember that when that time comes, I might be able to handle it with a little bit more grace. 

A Golden Birthday In Heaven

 

Happy 4th Birthday Baby boy. 

Today is your birthday. You are FOUR years old! It is seriously hard to believe! It is your golden birthday! I went to Dunkin Donuts (my favorite place ever) with your big brother Easton and he picked out an ice cream cake with all kinds of fun colors on it! I bought you a giant number 4 balloon. I also got this pretty cool sparkler candle and we sang happy birthday to you. 

And as we were singing and I looked around, I didn't see you. I didn't see that four year old little boy who should be grinning ear to ear as we sang. I didn't get to see you blow out your candles or eat a big piece of cake. I didn't get to see you open your presents. It was hard to imagine what you would of looked like or what you would be interested in. 

And my heart shattered all over again. 

Brecken, I promise you, I will never forget your birthday. I will always have a cake and candle for you. I will always sing your happy birthday. I will never forget. Ever.

Happy Birthday in heaven little buddy. I bet Papa has some fun things planned for you. 

Love you to infinity and bebob. 

Mommy

**(This was posted late- Breckens Birthday is March 4, 2017). 

My Little Technology Addicted Child

 

So the other day I thought it would be really FUN for Easton (my five year old) and myself to have a little contest to see if we could go the day without technology until Daddy got home. Since COVID, doing kindergarten virtually, and a new baby at home it has been a struggle to keep him (and myself) off the screen. I wanted to not only do it for Easton, I wanted to do it for myself. 

We came up with a fun list of things to do and started the morning by making some lemonade. According to E, the lemonade was great! Then we moved to the living room, and as Brynlie happily played on the floor, we decided to start a 500 piece Donut puzzle. Puzzles were something we have been working on since the corona lockdown, and its been fun watching him go from 10 piece puzzles to 1000 piece puzzles. We talked about how we both loved Dunkin Donuts and that we both really liked going there together. Things were going swell. 

Then about after 5 minutes of puzzle making, my little technology addicted child decided he was done with puzzle time and he wanted my phone to play on. That is when it all went down hill. The whining started, the frustration started, the anger started, and my hopes for a fun technology free day went right down the drain. 

I very soon got sick of the whining so I told him we were going to bundle up and go outside to shovel some of the snow and slush off the driveway. Distraction, right? Well after about a 15 minute struggle we were outside. The fresh air, beautiful falling snow, and a little bit of exercise felt good for the soul. A cranky, whiny 5 year old who wanted to go inside and play video games, was not. 

I was so defeated. I will be the first to admit that my child gets way too much screen time, and that it is mostly my fault. But lately its been easier to just give in and let him play. I know, big mistake. 

Now five year olds do not really have filters, but what couldn't hurt worse is hearing your five year old call you fat and then tell you that he loves video games more than you. Ouch. After trying my best to be the fun mom. The no screen time lets do a lot of fun stuff mom. The mom who just wants what is best for my kids mom.... I turned into the mom who wanted to just lay in bed and hide under the covers. 

Parenting in a pandemic is hard. Teaching a kindergarten virtually is hard. Being a maid, a waitress, a cook, a bartender with 24/7 milk on tap is hard. This week was hard. 

Momming isnt always sunshine and sparkles. But tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start. 

Right?